The stereotype of relationship violence is a man beating a woman in an out-of-control fit of rage. In reality, abusive relationships are much more complex. Although abusers are usually men, there are women who use violence against their partners as well. A thorough review of the research indicates that women tend to use violence in self-defense; men tend to use violence to gain or keep control over their partners.[2]

The theory of the Cycle of Violence was developed by Dr. Lenore Walker. It has three distinct phases which are generally present in violent relationships:

Survivor feels: Relieved, angry over the incident, resentful, guilty, hopeful, in denial over the seriousness of the incident

Behavior: Offers excuses for the batterer, may be withdrawn, tries to solve or prevent future incidents, hopes/believes changes will last

Abuser feels: Apologetic, remorseful, forgetful about degree of violence, self-righteous, unable to understand why the partner is still angry.

Behavior: Makes promises to change, blames her or others for the problem, may use alcohol or drugs as an excuse

Survivor feels: Angry, unfairly treated, hopeless, tense, afraid, embarrassed, humiliated, disgusted, depressed

Behavior: Nurturing, submissive, “walking on eggshells,” afraid to express feelings, may use alcohol and/or drugs to avoid situation

Abuser feels: Tense, frustrated, disgusted, self-righteous, or jealous

Behavior: Verbally abusive, fits of anger, silent, controlling, arrogant, possessive, demanding, irritable, may use alcohol or drugs

Survivor feels: Frightened, trapped, helpless or numb

Behavior: May try to protect self, hit back, submit helplessly, get away or seek help

Abuser feels: Angry, enraged, “right,” jealous and/or frustrated

Behavior: Dangerously violent, has a deliberate desire to hurt or kill, out of control, irrational, “Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde”